Monday, October 6, 2008

So there I was....

I think it might have happened....

So there I was, minding my own business, starting grad school, getting into the life here in the new city when all of a sudden it happened. I think I met "the guy."

I'm scared shitless. No lie. I'm used to dating indiscriminately, being safe and sound behind my nice strong sturdy wall o' protection that I had built around myself. I had perfected this wall by dating mostly emotionally incapable guys whom I did not have to care least not deeply. I thought I cared about them at least a little bit, but hindsight is 20/20, and I now realize what I was doing is a messed up version of emotional self preservation. I dated the emotionally inadequate so that I could not truly be emotionally involved to the point of my own vulnerability. I got sex and some version of friendship out of these relationships, but I had also forgotten wheat it was like to truly love another person.

So, I met this guy. We have a ridiculous amount in common. We are both goofy, silly, enjoy the same weird things, have an amazing sex life, and have a lot of the same views about life in general. He is a hopeless romantic who believes in true love. This frightens me. This boy is fully capable of love and all of the depths of feeling that go with it, and then some. He exposes his vulnerable side to me. I would actually feel awful for hurting him because I know I could. I did not have this problem with most of my exes since I'm pretty sure they were not capable of this emotion we shall call hurt, or even simple sadness. This being of course they would have decided to stop publishing Playboy. I think otherwise they would never have truly been capable of being sad or upset.

It's so scary for me to be this vulnerable to another person. I feel raw and exposed. I feel like the naked on the first day of class nightmare. It is truly frightening. At the same time it is also strangely exhilarating and wonderful. I know this guy really cares about me. He finds me to be beautiful, funny, smart, and a great cook. I find myself actually wanting to be vulnerable and open with him. It seems the more vulnerable I am in this the more I get in return. I am also shaking inside like no body's business the whole time.

I also worry that I have officially turned into a Hallmark card.... This guy makes me mushy and retarded. All of the things that I thought made me vomit I have become (short of the I love you more arguments...I'm still not that bad...ick). We cuddle at the bar hanging on each other's every phrase. We send each other sappy I miss you text messages, even though we saw each other a mere hour before. What have I become? But I love it! He makes me feel wonderful. I want to make him happy and work things out with him. I want only for him. So scary... Is this what it's like?

After all of my dating fiascos and semi successes in the past I think I know my own emotions pretty well. At least I hope I do. This feels so different. It feels real. It feels like the give and take between two people who truly care for one another and want only the best for the other. I hope I'm not wrong. I truly want to be one of those 80 year old couples you see who still hold hands and look at each other with pure love and affection. I know this is why I have not settled in the past. I was waiting for a relationship that had that potential. I think I have finally found it...

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