So there I was....

I think it might have happened....

So there I was, minding my own business, starting grad school, getting into the life here in the new city when all of a sudden it happened. I think I met "the guy."

I'm scared shitless. No lie. I'm used to dating indiscriminately, being safe and sound behind my nice strong sturdy wall o' protection that I had built around myself. I had perfected this wall by dating mostly emotionally incapable guys whom I did not have to care about...at least not deeply. I thought I cared about them at least a little bit, but hindsight is 20/20, and I now realize what I was doing is a messed up version of emotional self preservation. I dated the emotionally inadequate so that I could not truly be emotionally involved to the point of my own vulnerability. I got sex and some version of friendship out of these relationships, but I had also forgotten wheat it was like to truly love another person.

So, I met this guy. We have a ridiculous amount in common. We are both goofy, silly, enjoy the same weird things, have an amazing sex life, and have a lot of the same views about life in general. He is a hopeless romantic who believes in true love. This frightens me. This boy is fully capable of love and all of the depths of feeling that go with it, and then some. He exposes his vulnerable side to me. I would actually feel awful for hurting him because I know I could. I did not have this problem with most of my exes since I'm pretty sure they were not capable of this emotion we shall call hurt, or even simple sadness. This being of course they would have decided to stop publishing Playboy. I think otherwise they would never have truly been capable of being sad or upset.

It's so scary for me to be this vulnerable to another person. I feel raw and exposed. I feel like the naked on the first day of class nightmare. It is truly frightening. At the same time it is also strangely exhilarating and wonderful. I know this guy really cares about me. He finds me to be beautiful, funny, smart, and a great cook. I find myself actually wanting to be vulnerable and open with him. It seems the more vulnerable I am in this the more I get in return. I am also shaking inside like no body's business the whole time.

I also worry that I have officially turned into a Hallmark card.... This guy makes me mushy and retarded. All of the things that I thought made me vomit I have become (short of the I love you more arguments...I'm still not that bad...ick). We cuddle at the bar hanging on each other's every phrase. We send each other sappy I miss you text messages, even though we saw each other a mere hour before. What have I become? But I love it! He makes me feel wonderful. I want to make him happy and work things out with him. I want only for him. So scary... Is this what it's like?

After all of my dating fiascos and semi successes in the past I think I know my own emotions pretty well. At least I hope I do. This feels so different. It feels real. It feels like the give and take between two people who truly care for one another and want only the best for the other. I hope I'm not wrong. I truly want to be one of those 80 year old couples you see who still hold hands and look at each other with pure love and affection. I know this is why I have not settled in the past. I was waiting for a relationship that had that potential. I think I have finally found it...

The latest and possibly greatest!

So now for an update on the latest and greatest developments in the life and times of me...

In the realm of dating:
On a bored whim a little over a month ago I decided to join Match.com. I figured it would be an interesting experiment in the world of dating and give me a new outlet to meet people other than my previously popular meeting spot of bars. Repeat after me, bars are not good places to meet men unless you are looking for emotionally inept and incapable men, or a booty call. Both can have their positive aspects if that is what you are looking for at the time. But, recently I have decided that I needed to embark on the pursuit of finding a "healthy relationship." Whatever that may be.

So back to Match. I started conversing with three guys. One was ruled out quickly being that he was a bit of an egotistical dufus. Not a bad guy, but not my thing. He made good money, but that just doesn't do it for me like it does for some girls. The other two were hard to decide between. i had the choice of the cute, hilarious, redneck (I have a weakness for rednecks), and the hot, art major, ex military guy. So after talking with both of them for a bit, and accidentally slipping and falling on the art guys junk one night I decided it would be in my best interest to pursue the art guy. I shall call him "Jman" for all future references.

I decided on him because he seems to be me with a penis. I mean we have a few differences, of course. But for the most part we see the world in a very similar fashion. This is very rare for me to find anyone who even comes close to understanding my perspective on the world. He is also fantastical in bed. A definite plus in my book. I feel it is a very important part of a relationship.

So that brings me to today, and my major amount of deer caught in headlights terror that I am currently facing and trying to fight.

We have been dating for about 3 weeks now. We did the first date thing with dinner and a movie, then ending up meeting out at a bar slightly intoxicated and sleeping together the next night. Hey, I'm happy I made it past one date! A good record for me!

So far so good. We have a lot of similar interests and share a similar view of the world and it's crazy inhabitants. The problem is that I am so used to dating emotionally non-existant men that I don't know what to do with this one that actually *gasp* has feelings and tells me about them. He also *double big gasp* cares about my happiness and well being!! Sad for me, I had forgotten what this was like. It's kind of nice....

Don't get me wrong, dating emotionally inept men does have its advantages if that is what you are looking for. You can do whatever you want to them pretty much and not feel bad. They have no, or very limited feelings. It's easy. Like splashing in a puddle. You might get damp, but no real damage is done and you cannot drown.

So back to Jman. I have this overwhelming urge on most days to share with him my feelings and secrets. This is not how I roll. It scares the poo out of me. I'm used to keeping myself and my feelings liked behind my nice safe wall o' protection. No feelings means minimal risk. This is a lot of risk for me. It makes me want to run like a cheetah after a wounded buffalo to get away and be back safe. But nothing in life worth having is easy and includes no risk right? At least this is what I keep telling myself. I liked my nice safe wall of protection *pout*. But this is so nice and I am so ridiculously happy that I can't run away. I just hope it stays this way.

What is a free spirited girl to do? I have ventured into unknown territory for me, and I kind of like it. I forgot what it was like to have someone care and worry about you as much as you care and worry about them. I am currently determined to enjoy and relax in the meantime and see where it takes me. The truly scary part is that I think this has real long term potential. But, then again, we are still in that sappy deluded "honeymoon" phase where no one is capable of making sane and rational thoughts or decisions. But damn is it nice to have for once. Maybe I'm actually ready for this instead of the immature relationships I was happy to be having? Scary thoughts.....scary....

The great deep woods rescue

OK, so I recently moved to a new town, started grad school, and joined Match.com just for shits and grins. So, all in all things have been pretty interesting for me lately. I'm happy where I am now, and working on meeting people and trying to get into a more "normal" dating frame of mind. Picking up drunk guys while drunk at a bar just is not so cute anymore. Now it's just pathetic, and I really don't want to aim for the title of "cougar" EVER!

This brings me to the joining of the dating website Match.com. So I knew some people that had had some good experiences with it, and some that had had some baadd experiences with it. But isn't that how dating is in general? So I gave it a go figuring at the very least I could meet some people to hang out with etc. So I end up talking to a few guys one of which I ended up going on two dates with. The first date was fun, rather uneventful, and I laughed my ass off the whole time. We went to a demolition derby (yes, I have all of my teeth and no, I do not value the confederate flag as a major wardrobe and decorating staple) for our date. I like demo derbys. Senseless violence and breaking thing with the occasional car fire. What's more interesting than that? Not to mention the prime people watching that you can participate in while in the stands!

OK, so date one went relatively well so I agreed to a date number two. This guy is very sweet, plans the date out, gets a bottle of wine, and some cheese, and heads over to my place. Well, he had decided to take me hiking. Normally this would be a great plan. I love non-traditional dates and being in the outdoors. So, all excited we head out and find a trail to blaze, or walk along as the case may be.

We got a late start since there was a small rain shower that afternoon, but it had cleared up enough to be hike worthy. So we set off on this trail just B.S.ing and chatting away. Little did we know what was in store.

We kind of got lost. Of course we start to realize we are probably lost about the time it is getting way dark outside. At this time we can no longer see clearly while on the trail and head out to a clearing for some better light. As the sun sets and the coyotes start to howl closer and louder I become a little freaked out. OK, a lot freaked out, and started to plot where the most comfortable and coyote free spot to sleep would be. We didn't have enough light to head back into the woods, and so we were pretty much stuck in the large clearing. Suck...hard core suck.

Luckily the guy I was with had his cell phone on him ( I had left mine in the car. A mistake I will never ever make again!). So after some male ego prodding he calls 911. Actually I think it was something like "You better call someone right now. I don't care what your ego thinks!" That came out of my mouth at the time. I am not a fan of sleeping in the woods with no tent, no lighter, and not even a tarp or ground pad. Ick.

So as my date is discussing our options with the park ranger I hear people talking close by. So, I pull out the damsel in distress act and start yelling for help. Amazingly after a bit they hear us. Yey! Rescue!

So they get closer thanks to my date's waving of his cell phone light, and I can just barely make out shapes in the near distance. They have no light I realize. Interesting. But, they are on horses. Ok, maybe this isn't so bad after all.

Apparently they are frequent campers at this particular park, and ride there horses there at night all the time! How awesome! I felt like the rescued damsel in some bad action flick! To top it all off, as we were getting on our horses they offer us Busch Beer! My personal fav, sadly, and a wonderful nerve calmer which I was very much ready for at this point in time.

The sill park ranger guy tells us not to go with the horse people. I guess some weird safety rule about not going with strangers. At this point neither my date or I cared. We were just so relieved we didn't have to sleep in the woods and eat each other to stay alive.

The guys take us back to their camp where they...gasp...offer us more beer and we sit around shooting the shit with them for about an hour or so. This was officially one of the most interesting nights of my life. Talk about your dumb luck. I so should have bought a lotto ticket that night.

In the end the ranger came by the camp and got our info to verify that we were still alive and had not been axe murdered by a bunch of beer toting horsemen. The beer toting horsemen took us back to the truck we came in and we drove off into the long ago sunset happy to be not sitting on mud and general nastiness.

...and I came to a sad, strange realization.....

I actually went on a D-A-T-E the other day. I think I had actually forgotten how these things work. How sad is it that in our modern women empowered society we can forget how to date? Now, let me explain that I have forgotten how to "date" not out of lack of men in my life. There have been more than enough of those. But, out of lack of tradition, respect, and most likely, soberness.

On my way to this date I began to realize I had butterflies. I was quite unaccustomed to this feeling in regard to boys and actually had to question what was going on with me. I realized...I wasn't having indigestion or any other stomach ailment, I was nervous! WTF? Me, nervous, around a boy...? Why? This hasn't happened since I was going to high school football games and didn't yet know the joys of drinking legally!

I must specify that I was not necessarily nervous because of the boy that was involved. He is seemingly nice, cute enough, and someone I have been an acquaintance with for a few years now. I was nervous because I hadn't been on a real date since Clinton was president! I didn't remember what to do!

I guess I should clarify again that I have been on "dates" in the past few years. I am not an old maid who sits around with my cats, or in more modern terms, on Myspace piddling away the hours. OK, maybe I do sit on Myspace a lot, but that's beside the point! I have a lot of boys that come and go in my life. Probably too many if you ask any "decent," "reputable" citizen. But what fun is decent or reputable anyway? I just usually go on dates after I have been naked with the boy of the minute.

Through my shock and awe at my nervous condition on my way to this date I realized I was so nervous because I was used to meeting boys in a much different manner. I've been used to meeting a boy while intoxicated, getting naked, rolling around, and worrying about getting to know them, their last name, and all of those technicalities later. IF necessary. We all know sometimes it is so not worth it to get to know them. I don't use the phrase "Stand there and look pretty" for nothing.

I came to the conclusion that this was the first time I was going on a date with someone I had not already seen in their birthday suit and learned of their sexual prowess in longer than probably is healthy for my mental stability. I also realized that the whole getting intoxicated and naked first approach to meeting boys takes away a lot of the pressure of the whole dating thing. Sad as that sounds, it really does.

When you meet someone drunk, and roll around in the buff with them there's a lot less pressure to "perform" on the date. All of the hard stuff is out of the way. You know the basics about them, you know their basic personality, and you feel oddly comfortable around them. At least this is what I have found is easier for me.

I guess I just didn't know how to act when faced with this strangely different situation. Doing things "the correct way" has never been my method of choice.

In case you are curious, the date went really well. I managed to not drop food on myself and only had one "green thing" stuck in my teeth when I went to use the ladies room. I really hope I managed to avoid him noticing the green clinger I had! We chatted for about 4 hours and I was asked out again. Well, he's supposed to call on Sunday to make plans for next week. He said he wanted to see me again! Yey! I made it successfully through my first real date in forever, and got asked to go out again! Score one for the almost dating virgin! I didn't even almost puke out of nervousness!

I was also very impressed with said boy, and saddened at my past dating history, when it was revealed in conversation this guy highly respects women. I did a major self head slap when I came to the conclusion that this might be one of the major flaws that have been pervading my dating history. Why do I not realize these things until they are shoved in my face? This guy is one of the rare breed that asks girls out on dates to actually get to know them, doesn't get all hot and bothered over those that are dressed like they should be working the corner and having more flesh hang out than a stripper on a Saturday at the bar, and would defend with great fierceness any women in his family. As he put it, "It's a good thing he only has a brother, because his brother and him would drive a sister nuts checking up on her and harassing any boy that even looked at her." She would essentially be able to have no dating life whatsoever. I was endeared.

The only part that tickles my strange bone about this is that this guy is one of a very large circle of friends of my ex. Granted he is only an acquaintance of said ex, but it still makes me mildly uncomfortable. For example, they are both at the same wedding today. I do not need or appreciate large ridiculous shows of testosterone such that my ex has been know to give. Especially when large amounts of alcohol are involved like they will be this evening. The chances of any kind of man clash happening tonight are slim, but the whole possibility of such a situation does not thrill me. I am not a drama seeker, and I know that everyone in this group of friends will make us the hot topic of conversation if we continue dating. This thrills me about as much as a dentist coming at me with a drill and a syringe. Not so much. I love to watch drama unfold, like a real life soap opera, just so long as I am not the focus. But, I guess only time will tell on this one.

So in the meantime, I am actually happy that I got to go on a "real date" in the "proper order" of dating. It made me realize that there might be a few flaws in my past man selection techniques, and gave me some inspiration as to a few of the qualities I should be looking for in a guy.

The day a cow saved my sanity...well sort of

Cows. Yes, I am referring to the 4 stomached, cud chewing, methane producing beasts of burden that stand around pooing and mooing in fields the world over.

Last night, those same cows became my savior....in a messed up rather odd sort of way.

I have been in what I will refer to as a "not-relationship" with a boy I have referred to in past posts as "Mr.No Booty" for about 3 months now. The long and short of it is that it started off being exactly what I was looking for. A guy, who I *gasp* respected (this, I swear, never happens) who I could converse with for hours about any subject under the sun, and then some. Someone that was great and fun in bed, could entertain me, and was a cuddler. I hadn't met a guy that I could talk to and hang out like this with in about...oh...um.....uh....I think 8 years or so.... give or take. So, I started to *gasp again* have feelings for him (again, a sad rarity in my life). As time went on things have deteriorated. I have over analyzed until my brain hurt and was annoying the living hell out of myself. I used to think about him and smile like a raging idiot. Now, I've been thinking about him, which leads to more thinking and analyzing, which leads to another train of thinking and analyzing. You get the sad and really, really, annoying picture.

So, this brings us closer to the part where the cows become stars. Finally, I am annoying myself so bad I decide to rectify the issue myself. I figured previously that this temporary girly insanity would wear off soon enough....to no avail. This of course disappoints both myself and everyone around me. I know everyone (including myself) is secretly hoping I will never mention so much as the first letter of "Mr.No Booty's" name again. Last night as I was trying to sleep, and of course, thinking about Mr.NB and wanting desperately to stop the madness. Through a combination of some inspiration by a friend of mine, which of course veered drastically off target in my Bermuda Triangle of a brain, large amounts of tiredness, and a strong desire to not want to physically rip my own brain out for thinking about irrational things I don't really want and or care about I decided to distract myself. Every time I started the endless cycle of tormented emo-style thoughts of Mr.NB I would think of something else.... Now only if I had something to think about.... OK, so pardon me, but I was really tired and really wanting to sleep, but I thought of cows.

It worked! Sadly for my messed up state of affairs in my head...IT FRIGGIN' WORKED!!!!

Every time I would even have a flash of thought of Mr.NB I would picture cows. You see, I have had a strange love for the bovine creatures (not so much love as to not want to eat them, but love none the less). I developed this love around 8th grade. If I remember correctly, in math class that year we were working in groups. My friend was in a group across the room when I see her making what appeared to me to be very amusing and over dramatic cow milking gestures with her hands. Of course I walk over and ask what the heck she is doing. After large amounts of laughter in that famous, only possible in Jr.High, after an inhuman and unhealthy amount of sugar, hormone influenced way, she explains that she was telling the group about having a dream about driving a car. Somehow our crazed young brains turned it into a great all time favorite inside joke. I have had a special place in my heart for cows ever since.

So, the large, stinky creatures somehow came to my sleep needing brain last night in a moment of desperation to somehow not drive myself mad thinking repetitious thoughts of MR.NB. Yes, I have wondered if thinking of cows instead of a boy is sane...but that's a whole other topic I will leave to the well seasoned mind of professionals who can handle this kind of nutty stuff.

I have to now thank the cows of the world, my 8th grade pal, and my warped sense of sanity for helping me out last night. All day this "bovine thought" has saved me from the circular thoughts of severe annoyance that I had faced. I actually feel better too. I feel like I'm over all of this stuff with Mr.NB and don't really want much else to do with him outside of being friends and laughing at his self-inflicted misfortune he cannot for the life of him see.

HOORAY FOR COWS!!!!

I just hope it will continue to work until I no longer need it....

The long and short of my current sad state of affairs

Welcome to my new blog dedicated to the life and times of a woman who is trying to date, find herself in a mad working world, and in general make peace with herself. At this time I am leaving my decent well paying, abet shitty job with not just one, but two insane bosses to go back in the weird, broke, glorious world of school. I am returning to get my masters degree to one day hopefully be able to teach at the college level. I'm not a big fan of children and would rather drink bleach and set myself on fire simultaneously than teach anyone younger than 18.
My love life is a hot mess and rather non-existent. I've been dating (sort of) a guy who is more confusing and fucked up than any other person I think I've met in my life. What does that say about me since I haven't run away screaming for a good 3 months of this? I think it reinforces the possibility of my insanity but that's just me.
He's a nice guy, has a good job, and is relatively stable when left to his own devices. Too bad when it comes to women he is a complete nut job. Messed up mother, sister, crazy ex who fucked him over, you name it he is so there.
Things started off great. One drunken night....a friend of a friend...down in good old STL where I was born and raised (I now reside north of 80 and still can't see what the big deal is about Northern IL). We hit it off talking one night since we were stuck together while the others were off trying to pretend that they could play pool. So, I slept with my ex boyfriend and not this guy that night since I was desperate and hadn't seen anyone but myself naked in over 6 months! But ok, a girl gets at least one mistake right?
So we ended up inadvertently meeting another night out at another bar while I was in town. We hung out until wayyy too late and I somehow ended up getting thrown up on top of a washer at his friends house. Mighty exciting and fun if you ask me. Thankfully another nibbler!!! So we end up naked and having a fun roll in the hay. I figure that's that, been there done this, it was fun to sew my oats but I'm done. But, sad for me, low and behold we end up chatting for quite some time and he is way amusing! Bad omen...baaadddd ooommmmeeennnn.
So this has been going on for the past 3 months. At some point I confessed that I actually liked him, he freaked out, and we went about our merry sex only way. Too bad we also hung out for long weekends, went to museums and concerts together, and in general hung out for long ass periods of time where we were eternally entertained with each other.
The sex was amazing to start with...sadly it got more blah with each episode. If there's one thing I hate, it's bad sex in a fuck buddy relationship! Then, he stopped initiating, lost the passion, etc. So, being the female with no shame that I am, I complained. I was hoping to get the sex back to it's former splendor. Sadly for me with no avail.
So, with this lack of interest evident, but us still chatting like school girls and hanging out I kept trying. Don't ask why, I guess because I'm stubborn like that...and I miss the good sex!
So last night I finally asked him what the deal was....drum roll please...
He was bored with the sex but wanted to continue to be friends and hang out. WTF?! You were adamant that you didn't like me when I confessed that I had feelings for you, but you want to be my friend? Oh yeah, and according to him, the sex was still good, it was just like a new toy, the fun wears off after a while and it's not exciting anymore. So my thought process is...the sex is good, we enjoy each other's company, we are both moving soon and this is a good arrangement for the both of us, but no more sex?
I am a very sexual person. This is a very important part of my life. I tend to find someone, if I'm not dating anyone seriously, that I can count on for a good fun romp in the hay every so often and stick with them. Safer, and you know what quality of sex you're going to get. But apparently, despite the fact that the sex is good, and he is attracted to me, the sex is over. I want to cry.
So, I did what all rational women do at this point in time and called up some of my guy pals that I have dated in the past and ask them about my sexual prowess. Well I got an offer to come to Dallas to relive the fun, and to go to deep SoIL to relive the fun. So ability is not an issue apparently.
So my thought process now goes...this guy is f'ed up!!! Who turns down free regular decent sex? Until I found something better I was content with the situation, even if it was getting to be sex by numbers...same steps in the same order every damn time...suck. I tried to make it interesting again...to no avail.
So here I am, confused again about this guy who has issues. I know I just need to toss him into the LOSS bucket and be on my merry way but unfortunately I have a thing for boys who can keep me mentally stimulated. We shall see. More updates to follow soon I am sure.